Mag's Cosy Corner
by SavingTheSelkies
Summary: While eating breakfast one morning, Magneto realises that he should start a kindergarten to make up for the mistakes he has made as a father. It is not as easy as he had hoped. A crack fic written as a Christmas present to a friend of mine, with both the original Norwegian version and an English translation.
1. Mag's Cosy Corner

**Please note that this fan fiction was written as a Christmas present to a friend of mine, not for a bigger audience, so jokes may not make sense. It was also originally written in Norwegian, and some points could be lost in translation. There are notes at the bottom of the page where I felt explanations were needed. For those who know Norwegian, the Norwegian version of this story will be uploaded as a second chapter. It's better in Norwegian, so you should really read it. I even translated all the names. And lastly, don't ask me how this story happened to be. I honestly don't know.**

Chapter 1

Magneto had been a bad father. It was something he had always known, but never dared to do anything with. After all, it was too late now, wasn't it? That was what he had always believed, until one morning. Everything seemed normal, this November morning, when he sat by his table and had a slice of bread with liver pâté for breakfast(high in iron). Magneto was slowly reading through the paper and took note of all the terrorist actions going on around the world, not without a hint of pride, when an advertisment caught his attention. An advertisment that would change his life forever. "Kindergarten in New York bankrupt-Needs new owners".

Money wasn't a problem. It's amazing how much mone you can gain by just selling that asteroid and buying a flat instead. So this was not what stopped Magneto from living his dream of raising children. No, the problem was far deeper than that. He just wasn't sure if he was the right person. His children had a sad tendency to fuck things up, and this could very well be genetic. But what if it was his influence as a responsible adult that had shaped them? What if he would only end up hurting the little angels he was supposed to look after? What if he simply didn't have anything to do with kids? After much back and forth, Magneto decided that it wasn't so important anyway.

The former owners weren't quite certain about Magneto. When they were handing him the keys to the kindergarten, they scrutinised him with a distrustful human look. His strict and critical look did not seem suitable to take care of children, and the outfit only made it worse. Could they really trust him, a former terrorist in a red cape? They didn't think so, but he paid them a lot of money, and that was the most important thing when it all came down to it. So the former owners gave him the keys and wished him good luck. The scary man couldn't possibly last more than a few weeks at most. After they had left, and Magneto stood there by himself, alone in the empty kindergarten, he started thinking. Who should he hire? What former allies and enemies were fit for this line of work? Magneto realised the dark truth. He had to go through with interviews.

Very few candidates seemed promising. Magneto had work with and against many people during his life, but he didn't trust many of them. The Brotherhood had been a bunch of servile idiots, who could only do the simplest of tasks. The Master of Magnetism could not go as low to hire humans either to look care of the innocent, little children, so there was really just one option left. He had to hire X-Men and -Women. The fewest of them were suited. Some were too spiky, some were too frozen, and some just wanted to throw cards. In the end Magneto was left with three employees: Cyclops, Jean Grey and Wolverine. They were not particularly well-suited either, but he had to make do.

And then came the day when the kindergarten was to reopen. The Mayor was there to cut a piece of fabric and journalists from all around town were there to look. Who would have thought that Magneto, the big and dangerous man, would open a kindergarten? No one had pictured something as cute and innocent as that. Perhaps it was a very dangerous and stupid idea, and that was why no one had imagined. Only time would tell. So there stood Magneto and his three employees outside the kindergarten, each one more awkward than the next. Luckily, the ceremony was short, so everyone could soon go home again. But for Magneto, Cyclops, Wolverine and Jean Grey, this was the last day of their former lives. They really had no idea what the next day would bring.

And while this was going on, far away, in the distant country of Transia, a young man sat in front of his computer. A news report showed up on his facebook feed. "Irresponsible idiot to work with youngsters"*. He quickly clicked on the case and tapped his desk, annoyed at the slow internet. After what had felt like an eternity, he got the picture and text on his screen. The young man read it in a moment and then turned around. He had to pack for a long trip...

Chapter 2

On this particular morning, Magneto was woken by an alarm clock on the table next to his bed. This would be the first morning of his new life. Alarm clocks had always been a problem for Magneto; his powers had a tendency to knock them out, and then they didn't ring. But for this special occasion he had made sure everything would work perfectly. He rose from bed and got dressed. Many would probably disapprove of him wearing his famous villain costume when working with children, but for Magneto, this was an obvious choice. Mainly because it was the only outfit he owned. After a quick breakfast, Magneto levitated towards the kindergarten, only a few quarters away from his new centrum flat. His three employees were all in place and ready to do something good for the citizens of tomorrow. After half an hour of preperations, the first parents started showing up with their little ones, most of them more than a bit sceptical. But Magneto promised he would take good care of their children, and what more could they ask for?

It is not easy taking care of children. They run around, screaming and in general, they are not very well-behaved. Magneto spent some time taking care of them, but he also had to evaluate his employees. He concluded that he was mostly satisfied. Jean Grey was great with children, something one could expect form a telepath. She understood them and they understood her. Nothing to report there. Cyclops was less good than his partner, but he managed most of the time. He sometimes got a bit loud, but was otherwise okey. Wolverine was a completely different story. The children wanted to play with his fluffy hair. He did not want this, and phone calls had to be taken to calm down shaky parents. Magneto did not know for how long he would keep Wolverine. Hopefully it wouldn't be long.

After closing time, when all the children had gone home, the employees had to tidy the place up. Magneto had gone home to write a log from the day that had passed, and let his three protegees stay behind to work. If he had stayed, he would have overheard this conversation...

"Wolverine, no! We should really stop this... We will never manage to keep it secret..."

"Just follow me home... Just for tonight."

"But what if my lover finds out about it...!"

"Hush. Don't think of it, let us just enjoy each others' company."

The light in the hallway is turned of, and the two employees go home to his place.

Chapter 3

Some weeks came and went, and no one could say that Magneto's kindergarten, or Mag's cosy corner as many called it, was not a success. And he was reading about this in the paper one morning while drinking coffee, quite satisfied with himself. Then, as some sort of divine revenge against Magneto for being in a good mood, the door bell rang. He stood up to open the door, and in the time from he rose till he reached the door, the impatient guest had rung the door bell 15 more times. Magneto had understood who it was, it could not be anyone else, but he had still hoped for it until he opened the door. "Hello, Quicksilver." His son stood right outside with a suitcase in his hand, his chest rising and falling quickly due to his high pulse. "Hello father" answered the young man, quickly and coldly. Before Magneto could continue the conversation, the albino mutant was inside the house and laid flat on the couch. "I hear that you are making up for your sins," Quicksilver said, og Magneto at once became defensive. "Yes, you could put it like that, but..." The son interrupted his father before he could finish the sentence. "I did not do everything right with my daughter either. I wish to make up for it. I want you to give me a job." Magneto looked shocked at Quicksilver for what the latter experienced as hours.

The last week before Christmas was much work, so it was good that Magneto had his multitasking son at hand. Not just because there were many children to take care of, but something was amiss between the other employees. They sent each other strange looks, both flirtatious and cold, and Magneto swore silently, because he thought these people were past their hormonal youth. But no. Becuase of this Quicksilver had to do most of the work. Luckily the superfast man did not notice this, as time went so slowly anyway.

Once again two employees were left to close the kindergarten, and this time it was not difficult to hear them in the hallways.

"You're wrong, Wolverine is not like you think!"

"Jean, come back!"

"No, I am leaving now!"

The light is turned of, and they go in different directions...

Chapter 4

Quicksilver was not pleased. The other three who worked in the kindergarten had their private drama, fuck them, and Magneto avoided him at all costs. This was nothingn new, of course, but Magneto had admitted that he had started this kindergarten to "make up for his sins". But what was the point of taking care of other peoples' children, if he didn't want to see his own? After a long day, even longer for Quicksilver than the others, it was enough. He easily caught up with his fater, who tried to get home as quickly as possible, and stopped him in the hallway. This was the following conversation.

"Where are you going, father?"

"Home, Quicksilver."

"And what will you do at home?"

"Eat supper. Eggs(high in iron)."

"Without me. You left us! And instead of making it up to us, you are cuddling with little kids and hoping that it will make you a better person!"

They didn't get any longer before they heard a scream further down the hallway. "WHO AM I?!" Wolverine came running down the hallway, with wild eyes. He took Magneto by his arms and shook him. "WHO AM I, BUB?!" But before Magneto could answer either his son or Wolverine, the latter disappeared down the hallway. When he turned back to Quicksilver, the younger man had already left the place.

Chapter 5

Christmas was drawing close like a storm**. Magneto did not know if Storm actually could take such gigantic steps, but he thought it was a nice phrase. It had hurt him that his song did not feel any better about their relationship, and this was part of the reason as to why he wanted to arrange a Christmas lunch, both for the children and the employees. He had told the employees to come to work late on Christmas Eve, and then the children could help him cook. It would be perfect. One could ask if it was such a good idea to let small children cook, but Magneto could honestly say that he trusted this children more than some of the people he had hired. Some days after his meeting with Wolverine in the hallway after closing time, Wolverine came to work with pink hair. Well, that was also a way to cope with existensial crises, Magneto thought. Better than killing someone. Or become an escimoe.

Magneto woke up and looked at the calendar on the wall. December 24th***. The big day. He got dressed as usual and levitated to the kindergarten to greet the kids. Luckily everyone had remembered to bring aprons themselves, so they could immediately start baking gingerbread and prepare chicken(high in iron) and blood pudding(high in iron). The children were difficult to control, but with his charistmatic authority, Magneto managed to get them through the cooking. Everything was ready when the employees showed up, around 13 o'clock. But someone were missing.

"Where are Cyclops and Wolverine?" a confused Magneto asked Jean Grey. She reluctantly looked out of the window, where the two men were running together over a flowery meadow, towards freedom and love. "Oh," said Magneto. "That was unfortunate." To himself, he thought that it could explain quite a few things. And he was relieved. Now that the hungry Wolverine was gone, he was certain that there was enough food for everyone. They sat by the table and ate. After having eaten the main course, when all the little children were gobbling gingerbread, Magneto walked over to Quicksilver. "Son, I know I have not been a good father to you, and I hope you will forgive me one day. For the time being, I hope you will be satisfied with the special guest I invited." And in the very same moment as Magneto said this, the Stratos Cow came dancing into the room, "Can't Touch This" playing on full volume****. Everyone knew it would be a wonderful Christmas.

*The original headline in Norwegian was "Bombastisk bajas skal jobbe med barn", which can best be translated with "overly-dramatic clown/wild person to work with children". Difficult to make that sound catchy.

** "Å nærme seg med stormskritt"(To draw close with storm steps) is a Norwegian phrase meaning that something is coming closer at an alarming speed. I couldn't find a good translation for this pun.

***In Scandinavia, Christmas is celebrated on the 24th.

****The Stratos Cow/Stratoskua is the mascot for a Norwegian brand of chocolat, a blue, dancing cow. It's mainly known from a commercial where it danced to "Can't Touch This". This was meant as an obscure reference to Bova, the cow who also happened to be the midwife when Pietro and Wanda were born. Crazy times.


	2. Mags Kosekrok

Kapittel 1

Magneto hadde vært en dårlig far. Dette var noe han alltid hadde visst, men aldri våget å gjøre noe med. Det var tross alt for sent, var det ikke? Det var det han hadde trodd, helt til én morgen. Alt virker alminnelig, der han satt ved frokostbordet en novembermorgen og spiste en brødskive med leverpostei(høyt jerninnhold). Magneto bladde rolig i avisen og leste om alle terroristaksjonene som pågikk omkring i verden, ikke uten et snev av stolthet, da han fikk øye på en annonse. En annonse som ville endre livet hans for alltid. «Barnehage i New York konkurs-Trenger nye eiere».

Pengene var ikke et problem. Det er utrolig hvor mye penger man sparer på å selge en asteroide og bare kjøpe en leilighet i stedet. Så det var ikke dette som kunne hindre Magneto i å leve ut drømmen om å oppdra barn. Nei, problemet lå mye dypere enn som så. Han var ikke sikker på om han var skikket. Barna hans hadde en lei tendens til å føkke opp ting, og dette kunne jo godt være arv. Men hva om det var hans innflytelse som ansvarlig voksenperson som hadde gjort det? Hva om han bare ville skade de små englene han skulle ha ansvaret for? Hva om han rett og slett ikke burde ha noe med barn å gjøre? Etter mye om og men, bestemte Magneto seg for at det ikke var så farlig med.

De tidligere eierne hadde ikke virket helt trygge på Magneto. Da de skulle gi ham nøklene til barnehagen, mønstret de ham med et skeptisk menneskeblikk. Hans strenge og kritiske blikk virket lite egnet for å passe barn, og antrekket gjorde det verre. Kunne de stole på ham, en tidligere terrorist i rød kappe? De trodde ikke det, men han betalte godt, og det var tross alt det viktigste. Så de tidligere eierne gav ham nøklene og ønsket ham lykke til. Den skumle mannen kunne da umulig holde det gående i mer en et par uker uansett. Etter at de hadde dratt, og Magneto stod igjen, alene i den tomme barnehagen, begynte han å tenke. Hvem ville han ansette? Hvilke tidligere allierte og fiender kunne passe inn i en slik sammenheng? Magneto innså den mørke sannheten. Han møtte utføre jobbintervjuer.

De færreste kandidatene hadde virket lovende. Magneto hadde jobbet med og mot mange i løpet av sine år, men han stolte på de færreste av dem. Brorskapet hadde vært en gjeng servile idioter, som kun passet til å utføre enkle oppgaver. Magnetismens mester kunne heller ikke nedlate seg å ansette mennesker til å ta vare på uskyldige, små barn, så det var kun ett alternativ igjen. Han måtte ansette X-Menn og –Kvinner. De færreste egnet seg. Noen var for piggete, noen var for frosne, og noen ville bare kaste kort. Til slutt satt Magneto igjen med tre ansatte: Kyklop, Johanne Grå og Jerven. De egnet seg ikke de heller, men noen måtte duge.

Så kom dagen for gjenåpningen av barnehagen. Ordføreren var der for å klippe over et bånd og journalister fra hele byen kom for å se på. Hvem hadde trodd at Magneto, den store og farlige mannen, skulle åpne en barnehage? Noe så søtt og uskyldig hadde ingen sett for seg. Eller kanskje det ikke var søtt og uskyldig. Kanskje det var kjempefarlig og en helt idiotisk idé, og det var derfor ingen hadde sett det for seg. Kun tiden ville vise. Så der stod Magneto og hans tre ansatte utenfor barnehagen, den ene mer ubekvem enn den andre. Heldigvis var seremonien kort, og alle kunne snart dra hjem igjen. Men for Magneto, Kyklop, Jerven og Johanne Grå, var dette den siste dagen i deres tidligere liv. De ante virkelig ikke hva den neste dagen ville bringe.

Og mens dette pågikk, langt unna i det fjerne landet Transia, satt en ung mann foran en dataskjerm. En nyhetssak dukket opp på facebook-feeden hans. «Bombastisk bajas skal jobbe med barn». Han klikket fort på saken og tappet så irritert på pulten mens siden ladet. Etter noe som føltes som en evighet, fikk han bildet og saken opp på skjermen. Den unge mange leste saken på et øyeblikk og snudde seg så rundt. Han måtte pakke for en lang tur…

Kapittel 2

Denne morgenen ble Magneto vekket av en vekkerklokke på nattbordet hans. Dette skulle bli den første dagen i hans nye liv. Vekkerklokker hadde alltid vært et problem for Magneto; kreftene hans hadde en tendens til å slå dem ut, og så ringte de ikke. Men for denne spesielle anledningen hadde han forsikret seg om at alt kom til å gå på skinner. Han reiste seg opp fra sengen og kledde på seg. Mange ville nok reagere på at han brukte sitt kjente skurkekostyme når han arbeidet med barn, men for Magneto var dette en selvfølge. I hovedsak fordi det var det eneste antrekket han eide. Etter en rask frokost, svevde Magneto bort til barnehagen, bare noen få kvartaler unna hans nye leilighet i sentrum. Han tre nyansatte var alle på plass og klare til å gjøre noe godt for fremtidens borgere. Etter en halvtime med forberedelser begynte de første foreldrene å komme med sine søte små, de fleste med en viss skepsis. Men Magneto lovet at han skulle ta hånd om barna deres på en god måte, og hva mer kunne de be om?

Det er ikke lett å ta seg av barn. De løper rundt og hyler og oppfører seg generelt ikke spesielt bra. Magneto brukte noe av tiden på å ta seg av barna, men han måtte også evaluere sine ansatte. Han sa seg stort sett fornøyd. Johanne Grå var fantastisk med barn, noe man kan forvente fra en telepat. Hun forstod dem og de forstod henne. Ingenting å rapportere der. Kyklop var mindre god en sin partner, men greide seg stort sett fint. Han ble av og til høyrøstet, men ellers gikk det fint. Jerven var en helt annen historie. Barna ville leke med det fluffy håret hans. Det ville ikke han, og telefoner måtte tas for å roe ned oppskakete foreldre. Magneto visste ikke hvor lenge han ville beholde Jerven. Forhåpentligvis ikke så alt for lenge.

Etter stengetid, når alle barna har dratt hjem, må de ansatte rydde opp. Magneto har dratt hjem for å skrive en logg for dagen, og latt sine tre protesjeer være igjen for å gjøre arbeidet. Hvis han hadde blitt, ville han overhørt denne samtalen…

«Jerv, nei! Vi burde virkelig slutte… Vi greier aldri å holde dette hemmelig…»

«Bare bli med hjem til meg… Bare for natten.»

«Men om kjæresten min får vite det…!»

«Hysj. Ikke tenk på det, la oss bare nyte hverandres selskap.»

Lyset i gangen slukkes, og de to ansatte drar hjem til ham…

Kapittel 3

Noen uker kom og noen uker gikk, og ingen kunne lenger påstå at Magnetos barnehage, eller Mags kosekrok som mange kalte den, ikke var en suksess. Og dette leste han om i avisen mens han drakk en kopp kaffe og var ganske så fornøyd. Og idet, som en slags gudommelig hevn for at Magneto var i godt humør, ringer det på døren. Han reiser seg for å åpne den, og i tiden fra han reiste seg til han kom bort til døren, hadde den utålmodige gjesten ringt på 15 ganger til. Magneto hadde skjønt hvem det var, det kunne ikke være noen andre, men han hadde likevel håpet med seg frem til han åpnet døren. «Hallo, Kvikksølv.» Sønnen hans stod utenfor med en koffert i hånden, brystet raste opp og ned av den høye pulsen. «Hallo, far» svarte den unge mannen på dørstokken, fort og kaldt. Før Magneto kunne fortsette samtalen, var den albino mutanten inne i huset og lå utstrakt på sofaen. «Jeg hører at du vil gjøre opp for dine synder,» sier Kvikksølv, og Magneto ble med en gang på defensiven. «Jo, man kan vel si det slik, men…» Sønnen avbryter sin far før han får fullført setningen. «Jeg gjorde heller ikke alt rett med min datter. Jeg ønsker å gjøre opp for det. Jeg vil at du skal gi meg en jobb.» Magneto så sjokkert på Kvikksølv i noe den sistnevnte opplevde som timesvis.

Den siste uken før jul var mye arbeid, så det var godt at Magneto hadde sin multitaskende sønn tilgjengelig. Dette var ikke bare fordi det var mange barn å ta seg av, men noe var galt mellom Magnetos tre andre ansatte. De kastet hverandre merkelige blikk, både flørtende og kalde, og Magneto bannet lavt, for han hadde trodd disse folkene var forbi sin hormonelle ungdom. Men neida. På grunn av dette måtte Kvikksølv gjøre mesteparten av arbeidet. Heldigvis merket ikke den superraske mannen dette, da tiden gikk så sakte for ham uansett.

Nok en gang var to ansatte igjen for å stenge barnehagen, og denne gangen kunne man høre denne samtalen i gangene.

«Du tar feil, Jerven er ikke slik!»

«Johanne, kom tilbake!»

«Nei, nå går jeg!»

Lyset skrus av, og de to går hvert til sitt…

Kapittel 4

Kvikksølv var misfornøyd. De tre andre som jobbet i barnehagen hadde sitt indre drama, faen ta dem, og Magneto unngikk ham for enhver pris. Det var jo ikke noe nytt, men Magneto hadde innrømt at han startet denne barnehagen for å «gjøre opp for sine synder». Men hva var vitsen med å ta seg av andre barn, hvis han ikke ville se sine egne? Etter en lang dag, enda lenger for Kvikksølv enn for de andre der, fikk det være nok. Han tok lett igjen sin far, som prøvde å komme seg hjem så fort som mulig, og stanset ham i gangen. Den følgende samtalen fant sted.

«Hvor har du tenkt deg, far?»

«Hjem, Kvikksølv.»

«Og hva skal du gjøre hjemme?»

«Spise kveldsmat. Egg(høyt jerninnhold).»

«Uten meg ja. Du forlot oss! Og i stedet for å gjøre opp for det overfor oss, duller du med småunger og håper at det gjør deg moralsk bedre!»

Lenger kom de ikke før de hørte et skrik lenger nede i gangen. «HVEM ER JEG?!» Jerven kom løpende gjennom gangen, vill i blikket. Han grep tak i Magneto og ristet ham. «HVEM ER JEG, BUB?!» Men før Magneto rakk å svare hverken sin sønn eller Jerven, forsvant sistnevnte nedover gangen. Når han snudde seg tilbake til Kvikksølv, hadde den yngre mannen allerede forlatt stedet.

Kapittel 5

Julen nærmet seg med stormskritt. Magneto visste ikke om Storm kunne ta gigantiske skritt, men han mente fortsatt det var et fint uttrykk. Det hadde gjort ham vondt at sønnen hans var ikke følte han gjorde noe for å bedre forholde deres, og dette var delvis grunnen til at han ville arrangere en julelunsj for både barna og de ansatte. Han hadde gitt de ansatte beskjed om å møte opp sent på julaften, og så skulle barna hjelpe ham med å lage maten. Det ville bli perfekt. Man kunne spørre om det var en god idé å la så små barn lage mat, men Magneto kunne med hånden på hjertet si at han stolte mer på barna enn visse av de ansatte. Noen dager etter sammenstøtet med Jerven i gangen etter stengetid, møtte Jerven opp på jobben med rosa hår. Jaja, det var da også en måte å håndtere eksistensielle kriser på, tenkte Magneto. Det var bedre enn å drepe noen. Eller bli en eskimo.

Magneto våknet opp og så på kalenderen på veggen. 24. desember. Den store dagen. Han kledde på seg som vanlig og svevde bort til barnehagen for å ta imot barna. Heldigvis hadde alle husket eget forkle, så de kunne fort komme i gang med å bake pepperkaker og steke kylling(høyt jerninnhold) og blodpudding(høyt jerninnhold). Barna var vanskelige å holde styr på, men med sin karismatiske autoritet, greide Magneto å føre dem gjennom matlagingen. Alt stod klart da de ansatte kom på jobb, omkring klokken ett på dagen. Men noen manglet.

«Hvor er Kyklop og Jerven?» spurte en forvirret Magneto Johanne Grå. Hun så motvillig ut av vinduet, der de to mennene løp sammen over en blomstereng mot friheten og kjærligheten. «Åh.» sa Magneto. «Det var da synd.» I sitt stille sinn tenkte han at det forklarte litt av hvert. Og han var lettet. Nå som den glupske Jerven var borte, var han sikker på at det ville bli nok mat til alle. De satte seg til bords og spiste. Etter å ha spist hovedretten, da alle barna satt og gomlet på små pepperkaker, gikk Magneto bort til Kvikksølv. «Sønn, jeg vet jeg ikke har vært en god far, og jeg håper at du en gang vil tilgi dette. For øyeblikket får du nøye deg med den spesielle gjesten jeg har hentet inn.» Og i det Magneto sa dette, kom Stratoskua dansende inn i rommet, mens «Can't Touch This» spilte på full guffe. Alle visste at det kom til å bli en vakker jul.


End file.
